Author: Kristine Lee
Single. I have been single for eight years. Not a hand held. No sweet goodbyes. Not a date.
For seven years since my divorce, that was by choice. My Maker was, and is my Husband. Having learnt how toxic co-dependent relationships are, I wanted none of that. I wanted, no I needed Jesus to be my all-in-all. No one else can make my life fulfilled; no one else can make me tear time and again; no one can make me fall in love again, and again, and again. Only Jesus.
I have gone on numerous honeymoons with Jesus. The most recent in the country, southwest of Western Australia. We sat on the swing by the still lake, had our walks amongst the towering Jarrah trees, listened to the fairy wrens, watched the multitude of shimmering stars in the thick night sky. Yet amongst all this boundless beauty, He calls me His Beloved. I am the pinnacle of His Creation. He died so He could have this relationship with messy, sinful me. How can I not love Him who first loved me?
Despite the constant company of the Father, Jesus the Holy Spirit, and family in Christ, I miss companionship. It is not that I am not busy. I have a full schedule. And, on the note that busyness does not equate to being fulfilled, I am whole in Christ. It is not that I am bored. Neither am I uncomfortable on my own. As an introvert, I enjoy time on my own and have lived in different locations on my own. I am independent. I am full with Christ. Yet I miss companionship. After long days at work there’s no one to nestle into. On bitterly cold nights I curl myself up in bed. It is lonely.
I am not alone in this. More than half of my small group consist of single ladies – all in their forties, including me. Everywhere I have been, I have a few good single Christian female friends, ranging from their thirties to sixties. On a Facebook Page for Christian women, prayer requests pour in for husbands. One friend commented on how most churches she knows have family ministries, young adult ministries but none for the singles in their mid-thirties onwards. I agree. Come Marriage Week, with all the rich information on marriage, my longing grows.
I long for that embrace. That look. That knowing. I long for quarrels rather than no one to constructively compromise with. I long to sit down to work out finances, goals, schedules together. I long to be disappointed, or irritated by yet another load of two people’s or the whole family’s washing to be done by me, and me alone, rather than just doing my own washing, alone.
But, as I read on about preparing for the wedding and marriage, I am suddenly struck by the excitement of the brides-to-be and the newly weds. I can almost feel the joy of each couple after all the waiting. In a flash, I understood. I understood what joy Jesus was looking forward to, as He laboured each breath on the cross, dejected and alone. His joy was in being able to spend eternity with us. I began to feel the excitement for the Church as the Bride-to-be, being prepared for the impending wedding feast with Jesus. And just then, I am embraced. I fall in love, again. In my waiting, I find, waiting for me, my happily-ever-after.
(Photo of dam by Kristine Lee)
About the author: Kristine Lee a.k.a. Jin Pyn Lee is an author, writer, aspiring filmmaker, dreamer, motorcycle rider and fulltime Christian. That just means she shares the love of her life Jesus wherever and whenever. In her eulogy, she would simply like to be known as someone God loves. Connect with Kristine on www.jinpynlee.com